Letting Go of Difficult Emotions: Why It’s Hard and How to Do It

We hear the phrase all the time. Just let it go. Let go of resentment. Let go of self-doubt. Let go of the past. Let go of your pain.

But if you’re highly sensitive, you probably know that letting go of difficult emotions isn’t as simple as deciding to release years of emotional weight overnight, because if that worked, you’d have done it already.

For highly sensitive women, emotions can arrive like waves, deep and unrelenting, shaping the shore of your inner world. You might find yourself holding onto things long after others have moved on. And even though you try to move on, your emotions and memories imprint themselves upon you in ways that are hard to shake off.

But real letting go is more than suppressing emotions or pretending they don’t exist. Instead, it’s important to transmute them, to allow them to become a messenger, because neurobiologically, that’s what they are.

One reason why it’s so hard is because emotions live in both the mind and body. Research has shown that unprocessed emotions become stored physically, which is why you might experience tension, fatigue, or even chronic pain when you are carrying emotional weight (Van der Kolk, 2014). Have you ever woken up with a stiff jaw or tight shoulders when things are stressful in your life? That’s your body taking on your emotions.

For highly sensitive people, both positive and negative emotions are felt more intensely, meaning that optimising your nervous system, regulating your emotions, and building coping skills are even more important (Bringle et al., 2015; Jagiellowicz et al., 2016).

Here’s how to start the process of release.

1. Honour what you feel without resistance

If you grew up believing your emotions were too much, you might have internalised the idea that feeling deeply is somehow wrong. Maybe you tell yourself:

I shouldn’t be this upset.

It wasn’t that bad.

Other people have it worse.

But emotions don’t disappear just because you deny them. In fact, the more you resist, they stronger they get. Letting go begins with allowing them space. You can honour your emotions by naming them, being with them, breathing into them, and allowing them to unfold naturally. And when you stop resisting, they will soften (Neff, 2011).

2. Write it out

Journalling can be a beautiful tool for self-exploration. Allow yourself to write down intuitively, letting the emotions flow onto the page without overthinking. Then, when you are ready, ask yourself: What am I ready to release? There’s no need to force anything. Instead, let the words exist outside of you for a moment – that itself is a form of release (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016).

3. Release through the body

Letting go is also supported by movement. If emotions aren’t released, they become woven into the body. For example, they can be stored in the jaw, the shoulders, or the belly. Next time you feel overwhelmed, shake out your body for sixty seconds. Let yourself move without self-consciousness. Go for a walk, stretch, or take deep belly breaths. With every inhale, invite in peace. With every exhale, let go of what is no longer yours to carry (Levine, 1997). Alternatively, try this alternate nostril breathing exercise, known as Nadi Shodhana pranayama, which translates as ‘subtle energy clearing breathing technique’.

4. Write a letter of release

Forgiveness is definitely not about excusing what happened or letting yourself or someone else off the hook. It’s actually about setting yourself free from pain, anger or other emotions that are holding you back. Write a letter to the person who hurt you, to yourself, or even to the past version of you who held onto pain because she didn’t know another way. Say everything that needs to be said with no holding back. Then, when you feel ready, write the words: “I release this now”.

5. Create your own ritual of surrender

Some wounds will never make sense, and some people will never say the words you need to hear, so instead of waiting for an external resolution, create your own. Write down what you are letting go of. Burn the paper, or tear it into tiny pieces, or release it into water, and let the wind carry away your words. Stand in nature, breathe deeply, and whisper: I set this free and I reclaim my peace. Your spirit knows what it needs. Trust it.

Remeber that letting go is a shift in attitude that takes time. Some days you’ll feel light, and on other days, the past will knock on your door. Healing happens in waves, in cycles, and in layers, and you’re allowed to take your time.

 References

Jagiellowicz, J., Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (2016). Relationship between the temperament trait of sensory processing sensitivity and emotional reactivity. Social Behavior and Personality: An international journal, 44(2), 185-200.

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Harper Collins.

Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. Guilford Publications.

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin.